#1 iPhone arm. (Also referred to as smartphone strain.) That awkward ache you experience in your lower arm and wrist after lying propped up in bed holding your iPhone aloft for too long reading your emails, Twitter feed and favourite websites first thing in the morning or last thing at night.
#2 Instant-itis. A mindset that wants everything NOW and hell mend anything that slows you down be it a sticky server, dropped mobile phone connection, frustratingly tardy download or… aaargh… a spinny wheel on your mac screen.
#3 Product-aholism. Compulsive buying resulting from the belief that the secret elixir to brighter skin, bagless undereyes, taught thighs, whiter teeth, shinier hair or clearer eyes lies in the latest bottle (or can or tube or pot or tub or vitamin capsule) to come onto the market.
#4 No-aphobia. The inner desire – but complete and utter inability – to say no to someone’s request that you do them a favour, loan them some money, put them up, work late, accept a last-minute project or attend yet another event that you really don’t have the time or inclination for.
#5 Number-nesia. A condition of being incapable of reciting anyone’s number – mobile or landline – off the top of your head because you have become so reliant on the ‘Contacts’ function on your phone.
#6 Product-price disorder. Most commonly diagnosed amongst young unsuspecting children, this condition manifests itself in complete lack of comprehension of the difference in price between one product and another – a Moshi Monsters playset versus an iPad mini, for example. Those afflicted have no idea how many pennies their desired item costs, they just know that they want it.
#7 Advert aversion. The state of becoming so used to watching your favourite programmes via iTunes, boxset, Catch Up TV, Tivo, Sky+ or On Demand that the thought of watching an actual advert appalls you.
#8 Lost hour-itis. One minute you embark on a quick check through your emails, Twitter feed, voicemail or App Store, the next it’s… a whole hour or more later and the best of the morning or afternoon is all but gone.
#9 Over sharing syndrome. Being lulled into the false sense of security that it’s wise to publish personal details (often in photographic format) of what you were doing, where, when and with whom online for all and sundry to see, creep, poke or share, just because everyone else around you is doing it.
#10 Upgrade-osis. A self-delusional state of mind whereby you convince yourself that you need, rather than simply want, the latest version of something you already possess even though the version you have works absolutely fine as it is. Common symptoms can include justifying the upgrade on the grounds of it being a nano second faster, sharper, slimmer, brighter, smaller, more powerful or more colourful.
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